My Ragnarok

I tend to look alot less threatening to people than I really tend to be.

"I'm afraid that when you get a girlfriend that you'll forget about me"

Funny, it feels like its happening to me instead.
I think love, like time, must be artifical in that humanity created it and is not apart of nature.
Animals don't seem to tell time or love another.
and we are animals are we not?

I think so anyway.

tonight was kinda cool

still going to off myself

gotta end it in a high note..






this ones for you, kirk...much love

I hear about how everyone else is having new friends in college. How everything is a little tiresome but still very easy and fun.

Why am I missing out. The only person to talk to me from school is this old mexican lady who called me a baby and this other dude who noticed my zombie pin and wanted to talk about zombies. I love zombies and all but after the zombie talk was over, it was over.

So aside from those brief interludes of conversation only brought on by personal interest, why am I not making friends?

I hate work.
Someone else got promoted and I can't even get a fucking raise correctly. They are taking their fucking time getting my raise but god forbid they give a promotion to the guy who started like...3 months ago. in 1 month I'll have spent 1 year at Hollywood Video.

I hate being the dog without his day. I hate dogs even more.
The other day people kept bringing dogs into our store, which is fine as long as they carry them, but no they just let them bark all over the place
pissing me off.
luckily my boss decided to regulate.

I've yet to explain to someone how life feels.

but

It is like everyone around me is moving forward and I am stuck, standing in place. Sooner or later I'll be standing alone, with everyone too far to see.

and unfortunately, no one will ever know.

I just deleted a bunch of people off my myspace.
I told a friend of mine I wouldn't talk to her or anything ever again.
I deleted an ex off of my myspace as well, mainly because of the grudge I still hold.
I told a secret to a complete stranger.

and I couldn't feel much better.

I started college monday. Its not really that great, I mean its really crazy. I feel very little, and non-important. No one looks at me directly. I'm probably the youngest in both my classes. I look young even amoungst my age group so that doesn't help either.

I don't feel much different. I feel as if this all wont matter one day. This is all just back up for me. I guess this is my weird way of having self-confidence. I somehow believe I can live happily off of $6/hr and no social life.

I realised I have crushes on people I've never met. Its also very depressing that I even allow myself the idea that I would ever have a chance.

I'm making my attempts to contact the outside world. Hopefully someone will answer...

I feel left out.
My friends no longer try and spend time with me.
They go as far as to see if I'm online or not and thats it.
Whatever, "friends".

I don't need anyone.
I can be buried alone.

I am such a failure.
and for once I thought I might actually be incharge of my life..

this beast is the longest I've ever seen
the blackest I've ever seen
and the most familiar I've ever touched.
It starts at my knees, where I cannot observe its movement
and little by little, my neck it will reach.
Each stroke I make to swim higher, it will pull me down
Each punch I make to be stronger, it will slow me down
Each breathe that I make to be more alive, it will not allow
the depths I will reach
and thats all
and sometimes
not even
that.

Current Location: and to think
Current Mood: I don't even take acutane
Current Music: anymore

I love Regina Spektor



I'm hoping all the promises I make to myself I will keep.
Because theres nothing more pathetic then failing yourself after you've failed everyone else.


One day I'll be normal again, sure.
I am looking forward to Josh's birthday

Slowly I can feel the ability to resist falling apart.

I woke up this morning telling myself I was going to the mall and buying that cool lighter I saw
then buying cigerettes
then parking somewhere alone
and smoking as many as I felt like.

Then I got out of bed and hoped that feeling would go away.
Its only increased as the day has begun.
Sooner or later.
I'll be another victim of rebellious attitude.
I'll be another victim of depression.

I know is not important.
I know it may not help me feel better.
But when alls said and done.


I still can't find a girl.

I've been in the real life for only 2 weeks now and yesterday at work I realised that I will fail.
I am the only one out of my friends who hasn't signed up for college.
because I am scared.
Scared of the idea of throwing myself back into a pit of wild beasts each with judging eyes.
I have no idea what I want to be.
I have no idea what I could be.
I wish someone could just tell me.
That would rock.

why is he so much better than me?
Everyone likes him more than me.
I've always lived as someone else's fucking shadow.
My brothers
my friends.
I'm sick of this game.
Always someone better
and I have to be close to them.

I can't battle sickness, depression, and jealousy....

Its so hard to let go of the bottle of bourbon.
and not to buy a pack of ciggerettes.

everyone takes things so personal.

It is a shame.

Conversation seems like a dead word to me now.

I cannot escape the past.
Like I trap with long delay, I've already triggered it, and only now does it wrap around my ankle in pain.

I learned this the hard way today.
A girl I had a crush on for a long time came into my store, looking better than she did before. She came and left, not even mentioning the fact I knew her or she knew me. The smile on her face is all I needed though..

Thats when I realised my past mistakes have haunted me and my indecision and inactiveness have caused me great harm.
i tried to make up for it, by "popp'n a wheelie" on a speed bump outside of work, doing roughtly 25 miles per hour on my bike..

I pulled too soon and I jumped over it, landing awkardly so I came off my bike seat, having the pedal dig hard into my ankle. I'm bleeding pretty bad I write.

I had the past
and now I hate it.

I just wanted to take time out of my morning scheduel to say "What happened to Everclear?"

Unemployed Boyfriend is like the best song ever...

this doesn't give me the release I require.

I did that for 4 months for a girl I don't talk to anymore. She knew the whole time, but pretended not to. She knew I liked her the whole time and pretended not to know. After all was said and done, months passed and she finally dated the girl she wanted to date, and I was recently broken up with one of my g/fs due to common interest problems. I told her what happened and thats when she said "We probably should have dated, we have alot in common" (thats without the researched interests..)

With that said, heres my advice for today:

Don't lie to someone you love. No matter how hard you may think it is, the truth will always be better than a lie, and the fact you told the truth first instead of lying its much more forgivable than a lie and then the truth.

Trust me...

Logic and Emotions are at war within me. I don't know exactly where, but I've been feeling extra flagulant lately, so who knows.

With that said, I'm losing faith more and more with this thing called "love" you know. Its not that I don't believe its possible, its just...I'm like an agnostic lover. I don't believe in it anymore, but I think it might be possible. I don't know what love is anymore. I thought I knew..I'm not even sure if I still do. I'm wondering if its just a temporary or permanent dismissal of my feelings, as I am pretty much devoid of any feeling lately.

I hate being a vegetarian, but its better for me than what I used to eat...

(as I eat beef enchilada....way to go, me)

anyway as I was saying. I am in love....but logic is trying to tell me not to be. I think its that insecure feeling where you've been beaten and kicked when you're down so often that when the moment arises again, you shut down.
Which is what is happening. I'm shutting out all feelings and hiding. At the same time, my fucking mind is driving me nuts. I forgot the summer was polish mating season, as I am constantly arroused (TMI) and honestly, I shouldn't wear shorts anymore.

In the end, I am having a hard time dealing with myself and how I feel. I'm not sure if its one of those things where you need help or need todo it alone. I'm afraid if I get help, it'll only make it worse cause my ego is like "love attention".
But I have the disease where you can't be alone for too long. I think its called Caligulitus (not a real disease, made up).

Enchiladas are sick.
Arbys was cool until today.
I miss hugs with a feeling behind them, not just a "hi I'm your friend" hug. Those are nice, sure, but when they are routine, they lose feeling.
I'm afraid I might be too far gone to be pulled back in.
It'll never work out.
Pessimism is my anti-drug.